25 Painfully Obvious Things About Me

1. I am the world’s most accomplished harpsichord tuner. I can tune a harpsichord at twice the
speed of light cubed. That is cubed light, not cubed speed, and certainly not cubed cheddar.
2. I dream in Cantonese although I have never been to Seoul. Something about that sentence doesn’t look write.
3. I can swallow a needle and a spool of multi-colored thread and crap out a rainbow-striped onesie (complete with hood) for a size 4-6 months infant.
4. I can kill a person seven different ways using only a paper clip held between the second and third toes of my left foot.
5. I have killed seven different people using only a paper clip held between the second and third toes of my left foot. The world is now a safer, happier place because of me.
6. I once interrogated Jack Bauer for an internal affairs investigation. After 37 straight hours of “questioning” I determined he was not a threat to national security and allowed him to leave with his remaining seven toenails still intact.
7. I am a one-woman rugby team.
8. I once wrestled a bear with my bare hands. The bear begged for mercy and tried to sell me some sob story about its three little brown bear cubs waiting at home for daddy. I knew he was lying, because he was a polar bear. I quickly disposed of his lying bear butt.
9. My beet farm produces twice as many beets as the farm of Dwight K. Schrute, on a quarter the acreage.
10. I create all my own fertilizer for my beet farm. Don’t ask me how.
11. I am the president of the Beet Farmers Union of North America. I am also the president of the Self-Fertilizing Quality Control Committee. Don’t ask me what my job involves. Let’s just say it gets a little smelly.
12. Every Starbucks restroom in the central valley has been graced with my autograph and a personalized message somewhere on the wall above the mirror.
13. Every beet farmer in France lives in mortal fear of my semiannual quality control visitations. I do not go easy on foreigners.
14. There is no Chupacabra. There never was a Chupacabra. I am the only Chupacabra South/Central America will ever need to frighten their little children out of wandering into the woods alone. Do not read too much into that.
15. I snowboard on a single ski. Actual boards are for wusses.
16. I have lassoed a great white shark to employ him as my surfboard while my right arm was in a cast following an unfortunate accident with a harpsichord.
17. I suck on habanero peppers to cool down my mouth after eating Bhut Jolokia whole. Bhut Jolokia is the world’s hottest chile pepper, discovered in Assam, India.
18. I singlehandedly keep all the Bhut Jolokia farmers of India employed.
19. Mother Theresa tried unsuccessfully to nominate me for sainthood.
20. My digestive system works at twice the speed of a normal human, which is why number 10 is a breeze for me.
21. I once declined an offer from the President to guide a Spec-Ops team on a mission to take out Osama Bin Laden in the country where the President actually thinks he’s hiding.
22. I declined because I have already discovered Osama Bin Laden (incidentally in a different country). He is now concealed in a cryogenic freezer whose location I can not disclose in the interest of national security.
23. I have cured cancer in my own body by commanding my cells telepathically to get their butts in gear. I am writing the curriculum for the class I will be teaching to medical professionals in the fall.
24. The Swedish Academy secretly says my vote counts double.
25. What I eat for breakfast every day makes Michael Phelps look like a little girl.